My deepest.... Everything

That was Yesterday.... Let's talk about TODAY!

2011-03-14T15:09:00.001-04:00

My mind just went into a time of reflection. Thinking back on where I've been and my current direction.
Not focusing on a bit of the pain or neglect.
Although I seem to have faced a lot of my past, I know that it's not over yet.
I am ready to forgive those demons and ready to grab ahold to that little unhurt girl (me)
I'm ready to open my heart, body and soul to this already cold cold world.
Today I am not afraid....

~~Yesterday~~ I stayed because I was so scared to leave. Scared because I didnt know who could love the real me.
But I didn't know me..
~~Yesterday~~ I believed all those obvious lies, cries and goodbyes
~~Yesterday~~ my childhood was taken and all I could do was cry, couldn't really give an answer, Found myself constantly asking WHY?
~~Yesterday~~ my Womanhood was stolen by a family member and abused. Abused by the man I bore my child to.... sigh
~~Yesterday~~ I was neglected, talked about, disrepected, disowned by a mother, left alone by my father, beat down by my daughters father...
~~Yesterday~~ I did not know if I could go any further...That's why I thank God for today.
Just thinking about my blessings bring a tear to my eye.

Today I will not wonder or dare ask Why.There is a reason I endured I every bit of my past.
Today I am here....
I must say that again TODAY I AM HERE..

I Thank God for my growth
I thank him for showing me better days, Everyday is not easy, but I know that things could be worst because things have been
Today I have feelings and my feelings right now are on a cloud, my body tingles with so much joy and love that I am ready to share.

I'm ready to share..
I'm Ready

I've never been at a place where smiling is what I want to do most, This place is so new and i'm so overwhelmed.
I don't think anybody feels me rght now.

It took me to walk away... some days, to run away! And this is where I stand today... (Taking a deep breath)

Today I am a mother that never gave up on my daughters feelings towards her abusive father. I never downed him to her and I never will. I forgive him for all that he did. Today
Today I am a woman who came through rape and molestation at an early age. I forgive all my intruders and their troubled souls. Today
Today I am a woman who can accept the fact that I may never have that bond with a mother that was basically forced to bare a child that she didn't want. I am here now and I'm okay. Today
Today I am a woman who will never feel it's too late to get my father off drugs, as a child I tore the "say no to drugs" tags off my candy boxes and layed them around them the house for him to see... I will continue to fight. Today
Today I am a woman who gave my heart to a woman, faced this crazy ass world with my decsion to be a lesbian and even more trying, my decision to just be me and Realize that in Life, LOVE HAS NO GENDER!
No matter what road my life takes, I will stand by my decisions because I know that He walks with me. Today
Today I can move on from my past relationships and still love right. Today
Today I will take a chance with new love, I will give them my heart, my mind, my soul, my truths, my communication, my trust, my time... Today
I am giving me, I am giving my future, I am giving this chance.Today
I am saying that I care and I never thought I'd care again. I cuddle and I've never been the affectionate type, I know it's not love yet so instead we say "Like" and everytime we say it, the shit will feel so right....
The Love that'll give me an outlook on things I was just too hurt to see.
For once in a long time I will be able to Love "YOU" and not lose "ME". You know why?
Because the Love I know Today, Began, Begins and Ends right here with ME...
My arms are open wide to this cold cold world, but Today I'm not scared anymore...
I have life...
I have the true, undivided love of my daughter, and I have You....
TODAY I am truely grateful.
Today I cry and its not because I'm sad... I cry because I am finally here.I feel here.... TODAY.

I Walked Away from Yesterday, To Love Again Today...

My Thoughts On You...

2011-03-14T14:31:00.001-04:00

Today, Yesterday, The day before that and I'm sure tomorrow, I'm in this unfamiliar place. Smiling and needing to see this unfamiliar face... {That is somehow becoming so familiar}

Life sets you up a lot and this time I feel the set up is grand, one of those times that I really have no one to get the answers from or hold my hand... and I don't think I want them to.

This decision... This choice... This next move is one I need, its my chance Again to say that this is Me. I pride myself on not conforming, never fitting into a box, or accepting society's labels.

But its totally different when I feel someone else is turning the table. The rush I feel compares to that of Russian Roulette, its come my way and I get that one second to react.

(I have to stop myself and take a breath). Going through... To have gone through so much pain and still have all this I don't know... "whatever you make me feel" left. ;)

My thoughts have to seem erratic and at this point so is my heartbeat, how does one person just come along and show me things I never thought I'd see. You make me laugh when I'm alone and just melt when were together, you're too good to be true, so let this lie last forever. But please lie to me never....

Honestly I don't see a need, I enjoy you and you enjoy me, you make me feel like that woman that everybody else sees.... but me. But when I'm with you I'm sure, its honest, its pure, its like a Sunday plate from Big Mommas, worth going to the west end for, and I'm coming from the land of far far away, and I don't care what the cost of gas is, I'll make it on E today... for you that is.

You love my sense of humor and I love to see you smile, I wanted to reject you at first thought, but I think I'll keep you around for a while... if you want to be kept... I hope you ain't wearing hard bottoms, you just might get swept...

See how easy it is for me to just be? No matter how silly I am, you know the seriousness in me.

You're the construction worker assigned to this job now, lets call your job "Broken Heart Demolition". You have to break the walls down, but don't ram it with that ball, pull the bricks down one by one, each one you take down, learn that lesson so you will not do what the others have done.

Life is about making a difference and this journey should not be the exception, if I grab a hold to you today, would we walk in the same direction? My first step is to believe, until you give me a reason not to, I feel like I'm dreaming right now, don't let me open my eyes find that "That" person is not you.... #Random

#Random flight post

2011-01-24T00:07:00.000-05:00

Cramped up in this little bitty space,

but my mind seems to wonder free.

Sometimes I wonder where it goes....

Like does it go back to the good days when I was a little bitty girl,

wearing those cute little Sunday dresses and a head full of pigtails....

Does my mind go back to that day in our kitchen when my daddy picked me up and danced around singing "Hollywoooooood, Hollywood swingin"...

The days before I knew, that He knew drugs....

Does my mind track back to those fun days in the lil summer community program?We'd race home to eat sugar and syrup sandwiches lol.. those days when happiness kept you full. We didn't know what being broke meant or looked like... I guess looking back on it, it looked like us to most.

Does my mind go back to....

gosh!... Just where does my mind go?!

my mind, my mind, my mind...

It just leaves me sometimes.

Leaves me to deal with the pain of the world Today, while it's off reliving the smiles of yesterday.....

But no matter where my mind goes, it has to come back to me

So I just thank God for my yesterdays,

No matter how bad Today is, my mind keeps the smile of yesterday to set me free

Leap of Faith on a New Love

2011-01-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

Some things you just have to step out on a whim and do.
I'm making the erratic move to open my heart to you under the conditions that you:
Remain honest
Only Make me cry tears of joy,
Hold me when I hurt,
Listen when I'm angry,
Try to understand when I ramble,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't gloat for the simple fact that we all make mistakes.
Think before you act, for every action has a reaction and no two peoples reaction is the same,
Always remember those small things that makes my heart smile and i promise to do the same, if you feel I have forgotten, love me enough to remind me, for at times life gets so crazy that you focus so much on taking care of home, business and the kids that you forget to take care of LOVE.
Lets do 50/50 on life but no fret when one might have to 60/40 or take on 100% for this is US.
Let the outside world be just that. They or it should never affect our home.
Be yourself for that is the person I feel in love with in the first place
Last but most important, Make me feel like a Woman in every sense. Stimulate my mind, learn and love my body, push me but stay by me. Its not being dependant its.... Love. Just knowing you'll always be there.

*This may seem like a long read, but when you Love, it all comes so easy. If you are ever with someone and this seems like too much. Free that person and free yourself.

LOVE ME and I will LOVE YOU

LOVE YOU so that you can LOVE US

LOVE US so that we can LOVE FOREVER

-ME ;)

You Win. Well... It wasnt worth my fight.

2011-01-18T19:56:00.000-05:00

I guess I had today coming, I wont say it's Karma because I know i've gotten that ten fold from the "you".
Its just when you get a sign or a gut feeling that a person just isnt right, you should walk away and not worry about saving anything...
Thats where I failed. I said that I walked away to walk away, but I turned around for who I thought could one day be genuine, be a friend...
Today she chose to truely test my faith, air what little she had on my life, talk about me like she never knew me...
I want to be mad, I'm still hurt, I'm angry, embarrassed... all the normal emotions a woman should feel when she gets betrayed by a person that swore up and down, through a million tears, texts, cards, and letters that they loved you more than life itself.
All it takes is for you to do one thing, say one thing that they dont agree with and *bam*, all your bad is put out for the world to see, point fingers at, give blind opinions on smh.
This is what fuels you? For what? To do what? The same things you could have done if you had been a woman and just let it go.
I guess that when some feel a relationship is truely over, the only way to finalize it is to do some of the cruelest shit you ever did to that person.
No, when one is truely over another, you dont have to do any of that. When you're done, none of that matters. Who wants to deal with guilt behind someone you dont even care about?
I sit here knowing all that you have done to me, I almost want to cry because it hurts.
but I'm done,
I want to call and yell at you,
but i'm done,
I want to air all your dirt, but i'm done.
I'm bigger, better and I LOVE.
He wont allow me to be any other way and I'm so thankful for that. You didn't get me where I am today, you did not show me what true love is and thankful to another I am able to walk away from anything less than.
Tears fall right now because even at a time where I stand sooooo alone, people like you make that seem like the best thing in the world. You did it, you said all that there was to say, you can sit back laugh and remember that you did it!!!!
All to; The woman that dedicated herself to making a family with you,
the woman that got you your first dj shirt made because I supported your dream,
the woman that helped you with your daughter,
the woman that listened to you cry about how much you hated the army,
the woman that layed beside you at night,
the woman that forgave you,
the woman that helped you when you needed it,
the woman you proposed to because you know the heart that I have,
the woman you chose to spend your last days with,
the woman that didnt take your past and judge you,
the woman that looked past your physical appearance and still loved you regardless of how much weight you gained,
and now the woman you degraded.
It didnt take a lot for me to realize that I had fallen out of love with you when I did, and I was woman enough to tell you.
I guess it took today to finally set in that, You are temporary, and although you're older than I, You are still not a woman.
A woman loves through it all....
I should hate now and I wont.
I have Love...
I have life. Maybe not the life you have. But it's my own. Today starts a newer day for me. Affirmation is strong, it can pick you up and put you on the right track..... Thank you.

Things are never as they seem. Only as they feel.

Ecstasy Models Online Interview 12/2010

2010-12-06T05:56:00.000-05:00

http://ecstasymodels.ning.com/profiles/blogs/ecstasy-models-featured-model-351

Bet you didn't think I'd say that..... ;)

My Heart Goes Out To Haiti

2010-01-13T17:21:00.002-05:00

I'm looking at CNN and im taking in all the tragedy that has happened in Haiti... I'm watching children in the streets crying over bodies.... I have to say that I am blessed. There have been more than 100,ooo bodies reported dead. My heart goes out to the families there, I will keep all in my prayers. Something good will follow, I know everything we have to say is easier said than done and 1000,000 sorry's wouldnt take away the pain and loss that they have endured but as a human that feels, I have to send my all. It seems like death is around every corner you turn. Today is the day and time to let go of all that really doesn't have a place in your heart or a point in your lfe. Don't let tomorrow take someone that you love and you never got to tell them how you felt.

"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." Zechariah 9:12

2010-01-11T12:52:00.002-05:00

2010 I have to say that I have brought it in with a whole new outlook on my life... It's weird because towards the end of 2009 I found myself just letting go of a lot and a lot of people... I knew that at some point I needed to put Me first. I have always had a tendency to care a little too much or give way too many chances and I was tired of it. At some point I found the strength to believe and love me, I told myself that there was no point in stressing over the things that I couldn't change, there was no point in continuosly changing for someone that couldnt love me for me. All I needed to do was pray for the strength to move on... It was hard, I hurt like never before but it made me look at myself a lot deeper.
Today I take each day as it is handed to me, I listen to the people around me, and I chose my battles wisely. I am a woman that has been through hell and high water, but somehow I still found a way and reason to want to love and care about people... even the ones who have hurt me. All the pain, I thought i'd never love anyone, I guess somewhere through it all there was a little girl hid inside of me during all that, that held on to the good in me. It has taken me years but I think i'm getting to know her. I feel good inside and it shows on the outside. I glow and I feel it. Today I am ready to share that.... Some days I find myself filled with so much joy I can't sit still lol. I carry a beautiful feeling in me and today I believe that I deserve it :) I deserve This.... and I deserve Her :)

"I walked away... To Walk Away..."

2010-01-09T12:15:00.002-05:00

I almost feel the need to gulp as I write this. I know it's a feeling of anxiety, Ive been wanting to say and feel so much for so long that it seems today things can't come out of my mind any faster. For the past few years I found myself in this place where I knew the woman I wanted to be.. but somehow managed to let the relationship I was in turn me into someone completely different. This piece came from that situation.

I was gonna write a letter to HER, but maybe I should write a letter to ME

Too many times I let HER feelings depict how mine should be

Well if she loves me this much, then this is what I'll do, but if she doesn't love me just enough, then I'll run back to YOU... ME.

Gave HER everything SHE wanted, changed the things I didn't want to, and when that wasn't enough for HER, I gotta myself again for YOU... ME.

Now I'm back trying to get used to ME, gotta find ME, trying to love the ME that I had always been and loved before, but since I had changed ME so much for HER... I didn't love ME no more....

It's funny how you sometimes let yourself go to make others happy... even when you don't realize.

I kept telling HER...ME, that "I ain't gon' change for nobody", then there SHE was, slowly molding ME to be this person. HER, not ME...

and ME getting frustrated cause that's not who I wanted to be.

ME...

I laugh out loud in public

I like to eat ribs with my hands

I'm not ashamed of the woman I'm with and when were out in public I like to hold her hand...

And yes I have an attitude, but YOU'D never know until you piss me off

I may ask you to get me little material things, but always remember All that I had before you I bought.

I pay my own bills on a regular, but if you're laying around you will take part

I never give anyone full trust in the beginning, not because I'm sneaky, only because I have to protect my heart

I love being around my better half but at the same time I need my space

If I feel like you're doing wrong I will be the first one in your face

I'm not down with any abuse, I've taken a lot and dished out some of my own

I tend to be a bit whiny at times... but look a lil deeper and understand that since I was a little kid I had to be grown

I love getting my way but what woman don't? You can tell me No, but if I want it that bad I'll get it on my own

I don't like being put second to anything, but if I have to be at least make me feel like I'm number one

I love hard when I feel you're worth it, but I shut down much harder

Once my guard is up, getting it back down takes even longer

I know I can be a Bitch at times but when I love.... Damn I love

No matter how bad things get I give it all it takes to make things work between the two of us...

But no longer can I battle between this "HER & ME, SHE & I" it's never gonna work.

I know because all these year's I've tried...cried and pleaded

I know one thing that stays the same is, No matter how much you try to change me, It does not change what I've been through or from where I've came... That is truly what lies behind my name

LaKisha Renee Patterson... the baby I was born but not the woman I've become.

"It's called a past cause I'm getting past and I ain't nothing like I was before..."

- Alicia Keys

It is time for HER & SHE, ME & I to become one

Accept me for who I am today, truly take ME for ME...

The one thing YOU could never do

So YOU not ME, I had to leave.

by Lakisha Patterson

Introduction to "I walked away.... To walk away..."

2010-01-08T20:16:00.002-05:00

Today I wanted to stop and think about why and how I feel the way I do these days. I wake up with this overwhelming feeling of joy and go to bed just the same. It's crazy because I haven't felt this way in years, and whatever I thought I felt in no way compares to the feelings I have now. In my future blogs, my few or my many readers will find out all that lead up this point... It was a hard, hurtful, dark but more than needed journey for me. I hope that you can walk with me and hold my hand through it all. It's one thing to kind of move through pain, but you know you've reach that mental bliss when you're ready to track back and accept all that has happened to you. I'm ready. Let's fly.